


Distant Horizons

by jaemibbeom



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 02:51:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16589429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemibbeom/pseuds/jaemibbeom
Summary: Czarina has always been in love with Brian, but no matter how close their proximity gets, he remains to be far away. The distance between them only stretches further.She has already moved on. She believed she has. But why do past feelings resurface even when there's no hope for them to be reciprocated?And if only he knew, just how deeply she could have loved him.





	Distant Horizons

**Author's Note:**

> ashdfjhdjskhf idkkkkk i kinda wanted to post something for @dinoczawr on twitter hahahahaha luv u titz!!  
> yes, yes, the best friend zone is still real.

He wasn’t the one that got away.

Brushing off the dust from the old pictures I’ve found under my old bed, it felt so nostalgic. And it wasn’t only nostalgia that struck me, there were also joy, frustration, pain, and love. I’ve been too engrossed with these pent-up feelings that I have lost track of time. Has it been 4 years? I don’t remember. Sometimes, I even tend to forget how _he_ looked like 4 years ago. I also forget how his voice sounded like. But the feeling… they are all the same.

How it felt back then, I still feel it today.

A loud knock on my door made me jolt from my reverie. It’s time to leave again.

I sluggishly trod towards the door and opened it, and I saw the face I’ve almost grown sick seeing. “Can’t I stay for a few minutes more?”

Jam rolled her eyes. “If you want to do that, then might as well go to the party alone because I am leaving now.”

I dramatically sighed. “Fine!”

Boisterous laughter roared inside the whole house as my mom sent us off. Today, we’ll be using my car, and that only means that I will be driving. It also means that I will be the one to decide how fast or slow our ride will be. And it also means that I will be having my eardrums broken a few minutes from now.

“CZAR!!! CAN’T YOU GO A LITTLE, LIKE, FASTER?! WHAT ARE YOU, SEVENTY YEARS OLD?!”

Damn, if I knew any better, even some seventy year olds drive faster than I do.

I rolled my eyes heavenwards. “Whatever.”

The annoying girl on the passenger seat eyed me and I could almost see her glare from my peripheral vision. If only my mind wasn’t this clouded…

“It’s been years. Don’t tell me it’s still him?” she queried.

I instantly blurted a wry laugh. “Like I care? I don’t give a fuck about him. You said it so. It’s been years.”

Raising an eyebrow, Jam’s gaze never left me. “Doesn’t the name Brian Kang sting?”

Fuck. No. Duh.

“No. Shut up, I’m driving here.”

Fuck. No. Duh.

No.

It still fucking hurts.

Fuck.

Damn it, Czarina! You know so well just how much you don’t have the right to feel this way! You’ve already oriented yourself for a freaking number of times about how you should ignore the tingling sensation in your chest whenever you hear his name! You should know better!

I should know better!

So why does it still hurt?

It didn’t even occur to me that we were already at the venue for our batch’s reunion party. Loud music could be heard even from outside the hall where our little party would be held. As we neared the place, I could see familiar faces. Old friends greeted us along the way and led us inside. I sauntered behind them as I felt jittery with every step I took. I feel so stupid for chickening out at the last minute. I’ve debated with myself weeks ago whether I should come or not, whether I’m ready or not. I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I knew it. Especially when my gaze landed on the person I’ve been trying to avoid ever since.

The person who left me wounded…

_Yet the same person my heart has been yearning for, for years._

“Hi, Czar!” I saw Alex, she was with our former classmates.

Thank God. I needed the distraction. I smiled at her. “Alex! I missed you!”

She then nudged me and slightly gazed at the direction I avoided. “Did you really? Or did you miss _him_?”

I rolled my eyes. “Shut up. It’s not like everyone knows about it.”

“Like how he doesn’t even know?” she jested.

No. He knew.

I spent two freaking hours trying to avoid any interaction with him, even avoided to look at him. He must be befuddled now by my actions, but hell I care. I was successful with my plan of avoiding him, until the door suddenly opened.

“Ayeon!!!” I heard them call the girl who just arrived.

And suddenly, my heart sank. I knew this would happen. I’ve prepared for this. I’ve prepared… but I did not expect my heart to break this soon.

“Hey, love.” Brian stood up to meet Ayeon, then they freaking hugged in front of me.

I thought I heard a glass drop to the floor when I gazed away, but then I realized, there were no broken glass to be seen. It wasn’t what I heard.

_It was my heart._

Again, I felt my heart shatter into millions of irreversible pieces, if that was even possible. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I have to keep my cool. Especially when I heard Ayeon call my name.

“Czar…” she called softly.

I turned to her half-heartedly. “Yep? Hi, Ayeon.”

She smiled shyly. “It’s been years. How have you been?”

“Okay, I guess.”

I tried to keep my responses short. Please take a hint. I don’t want to converse with you. Especially not when I can see his arms snaking onto your waist. Fck. It’s becoming harder to breathe again.

“You’ve been so busy earlier and I couldn’t even talk to you,” and there he goes. Brian opened the topic and started talking to me.

I smiled awkwardly. “Uh, yeah. I was busy catching up with old friends.”

“Maybe we should catch up too?” Ayeon smiled.

I’d love to. But definitely not with you. We are not even friends.

I suddenly felt the urge to leave the place because I couldn’t stand it anymore. A lot of memories are starting to come back and they are not good. I don’t want to breakdown here, not in front of many people. Not in front of Brian.

I raised my left arm and pretended to look at my wristwatch. “Oops, it’s already 9PM. I have to go now, I have some errands to do at home because of work.” I etched a painful smile. “It was nice seeing you again.”

I guess I have to leave Jam here, I’m sure she’d understand. She can go and call her boyfriend Jae to pick her up and drive her home. But me… I only have myself.

Slowly, I looked back inside to have a last glimpse of him. And to my surprise, he was already looking at me.

Our eyes met. My lips quivered. I felt my extremities tremble, but I could not tear my gaze off him. And suddenly, it felt as if we were back to college.

Brian…

Your eyes are the reason why I can’t let go.

Every moment that my gaze fixates on them, I can almost hear your voice. Faint, but sweet. Soft, but definitely my favourite. I can hear you telling me the words I want to hear. I can hear you say you feel the same way as I do.

Those eyes are the reason why I can’t let go.

You look at me as if you bear the same affection as I do. You look at me as if you want me drawn to your gaze forever, and that’s why I can’t let go.

Because everytime I look at them, I grow more and more selfish. Because everytime I look at you, I get this feeling in my heart that I don’t ever want to lose.

I don’t want to let go. I can’t let go.

Because everytime I struggle, everytime I try, my efforts remain futile because I always end up looking at you.

And everytime I look at you, my heart reminds me that there is no one else who can make me happy, like you do.

And I still don’t know. Why does it have to be you?

 

**\----------**

 

 ** _“Our_** professor would be late, want to go to the canteen for the meantime?” Jam asked while applying powder on her face.

Being the glutton that I am, I did not decline. Not a minute passed and we were already downstairs, treading towards the canteen. It was when I saw him sitting with our friends.

“Brian!!!” I yelled almost instantly. I was so excited to see him because we’ve been apart for like 2 days now! We’re now in different blocs so I can’t really meet him as often as before.

Brian sighed at the sight of me. “What?”

“You look so disappointed. Why? Would you rather have Ayeon sit with you here?” I asked back with a hint of hurt in my voice.

“Ew, don’t say that. Why would I?”

“I dunno. Because you like her?”

He glared at me. “You know that it’s still Sana.”

Oh, yeah. Lucky Sana. Brian likes her since we were freshmen, and even now that she has transferred school, it’s still her. Unlucky Brian. It’s been years, but Sana doesn’t even have any plans of reciprocating his feelings. Sometimes, I pity him. But then I realize, I am not in place to pity him.

Because we are pretty much in the same situation.

But I’ve already moved on so whatever.

“Brian. Why do I feel like you’re betraying us?” Alex also feigned hurt as she sat beside Brian.

Brian could only shake his head. “Where are you all getting these weird ideas?”

Jam instantly rolled her eyes. “We would not speculate if there’s nothing to speculate about. It’s only been 2 weeks but I didn’t know that you were already on _that_ level of closeness with Ayeon?”

“2 weeks over 2 years, is that it?” I joined.

“Are you choosing her over us?” Alex deadpanned.

“For f’s sake, calm down! I’m not choosing anyone, okay? I’m just being nice because she has no one else to be with, Dahyun is so busy these days…”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re developing feelings for her, aren’t you?”

“Ew, what the hell?”

“Don’t what the hell me, you bastard. Whatever. Let’s go, Jam. It’s better if we leave him here, he must be waiting for Ayeon.”

“The heck?” Brian sighed, confused.

I pulled Jam and started heading upstairs to go back to our classroom, but I couldn’t contain my laughter. Actually, we both laughed. It was funny seeing Brian flustered with all our jokes. But it doesn’t really take away the suspicion that grew in me.

I’m a girl. I know when another girl likes a guy. And definitely, Ayeon likes Brian.

And it’s pissing me off. It’s Sana or nothing. If Sana doesn’t give Brian a chance, then I don’t want him to be with anyone else. Especially not with Ayeon. I don’t really like that girl. I am only acquainted with her because most of my friends are also her friends. But I don’t trust her, especially now, because I feel like she is secretly doing something to take Brian from us. Whatever, we are damn jealous friends, and we don’t want just anyone for Brian.

Months passed but it’s all the same. I’m still super close with Brian, and other students actually mistake us as a couple! I know, sometimes we go overboard, we hold hands, and I am aware that I am overly clingy with him, but that’s just how close we are. We are beyond the boundary that keeps friends from doing embarrassing things in front of each other. We are more like siblings, well, for me. But not in people’s eyes. But still, we are like siblings for him.

What ticks me off is the fact that Ayeon is really super close now with Brian. They text each other every night, Brian even asks her to update him once she gets home. I mean, he doesn’t even do that to us, when we’ve been friends for years and they’ve only been friends for like, what, 3 months?

Not to mention, this Ayeon girl is also friends with Sana—whom Brian really likes. Ayeon even told Sana that she is actually afraid of guys, but what the hell is she doing with Brian, then?

That's what really ticks me off.

“Brian, do you like Ayeon?” I asked one day, while we were alone in a fast food restaurant.

While still holding my hand, Brian’s eyebrows creased. “No. Why do you keep on asking me that?”

“You like her.” I jested. I rested my head on his shoulder.

He glared at me. “I like Sana.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

And that was what gave me the peace of mind that I needed. Because these past few days, I’ve been so out of character. There seemed to be something bothering me but I couldn’t point it out. There was also this issue of Ayeon asking our common friend why I was mad at her, when I actually wasn’t. And because she thought I was mad, she also got mad at me. I don’t really understand this girl, but it’s not as if it matters. We are not friends. We only know each other.

Everything was fine. Everything was the same. Until one day.

I felt really bothered. I know Brian’s password. I’ve been feeling the urge to open Brian’s facebook account and look at his conversation with Ayeon. But what I saw, surprised the hell out of me.

**_Ayeon: What if… I want to tell them already?_ **

**_Brian: Tell them what?_ **

**_Brian: That there’s something going on between us?_ **

I almost ceased my breath. Did I… read that right?

What was that something he was talking about?

**_Ayeon: Yeah_ **

**_Brian: Do you want to tell them?_ **

**_Ayeon: I’m taking it back. I don’t want them to be aware yet._ **

**_Brian: Can’t I tell even the boys?_ **

**_Ayeon: Don’t tell them_ **

**_Brian: Oh. Okay_ **

I was disoriented. I kept on blinking while staring at the screen.

No. Maybe they were only joking. I scrolled their conversation up and I saw their convo full of banters. I bit my lower lip. Right. They’re only joking. They must be carried away by how much we’ve been teasing them.

I blinked again when I felt something wet drop on my leg, only to find out that another one fell, and then followed by countless number of drops. I did not even realize when I started crying. I immediately wiped my tears away and heaved a deep sigh.

I logged his account out and then proceeded to my morning rituals. I have a 9AM class today. I can’t afford to be unproductive just because of something I discovered that I am not even sure if it was real or not.

I took a brassiere and wore it, only to realize that I was already wearing one. Damn, Czar. Get a hold of yourself. You’re better than this!

However, I could not bring myself to cheer up even when I saw my friends at the university. I was having a bad mood and then bad news came and ruined it even more.

I sighed as I gawked at Jam who was waving at Brian. He was at the 2nd floor and we were at the 3rd. I felt as if my heart was congested; I could not breathe properly.

“Brian! What happened? What was the board work for? Is it true? We’ll now have base 30 for our exams? And Sir Rey will not be discussing the lessons anymore? And the quizzes will no longer be announced?” Jam worriedly asked consecutively. I remained discreet. I knew that I did something wrong. I invaded his privacy, and I could not bring myself to admit to my crime.

Brian laughed. “Yeah. I was called to solve for the inventories. And yep, all those are true.”

All those are true? Does it include the something between Ayeon and you?

“Ohmygosh, I’m so nervous I might vomit my heart.” Jam continued to complain about how sick she was feeling, how much she wanted to die because of stress and pressure.

I gazed at the far tall building ahead of me. Would I actually die if I jumped from there?

When is the best time to die?

Is it today?

Is it now?

Would it matter if I die today?

“Where are you guys going to eat?” Brian queried.

I couldn’t speak. I could only stare at him.

“We’re not really hungry. We’re not in the mood to eat.” Jam responded for me.

Brian rolled his eyes. “Then I’ll be going now.”

Should I say, _goodbye_?

“Go to hell.” Jam deadpanned.

Just when I thought that opening his account would relieve me, it only made things worse. I can’t help it. I really feel… sad. No, sad is an understatement. I feel a mixture of sadness, disappointment, pain, and… love.

A sad love.

I almost choked as I stopped myself from sobbing.

Why am I feeling this way? I’ve moved on. 2 years ago, I have already moved on. So why?

Why am I actually feeling concrete pain right now?

Have I really moved on? Or did I only fool myself into believing that I have moved on, because I was perfectly aware that he would never return my feelings, and it actually bit my pride?

 

_“I have something to tell you.” I told him one day when we were alone, eating lunch._

_I have decided to finally confess my feelings today. Because this is the only way that I know to end this._

_Brian looked at me. “What is it?”_

_I took a deep breath and looked away. “I like you.”_

_“I know.”_

_What the fuck?_

_My eyebrows creased. “How did you know?”_

_“Jae told me.” He replied._

_That loud mouth!!! I will kill him!!!_

_I felt my face flare into crimson as I was snatched of my privilege to confess to the person I like first hand._

_Brian awkwardly looked at me, and then looked away. “I’m sorry… but it’s not just like—what I feel for Sana.”_

_This time, it was my turn. “I know.”_

_I know. I am totally aware. I have prepared myself for rejection. I just wanted to end these feelings and the only way I knew was to confess them._

_“Thanks. Now, I can move on.”_

I know, I have already moved on 2 years ago. So why does it hurt so much now?

Could it be that I never really got to let go of my feelings and only buried them somewhere deep in my heart… and now they resurfacing again?

Or is it just my pride talking, because… how could he like her, when he did not even like me that way… even a bit?

I told Jam what I’ve found out. And since no one knows about it, we only kept it to ourselves. But we tried to pry information from Brian and force it out of him. Because I know that this is better, how I found out about it by myself. Because if it would come from Brian himself, I might not take it.

That’s how much it would hurt.

My heart thundered loudly inside my chest as I listened to Brian shrugging off the topic repeatedly.

“How could you hide it from us?” Jam tried to make it look like it was only a joke, like how we have been teasing him.

“Hide what?” for the nth time, he asked.

“Don’t play stupid here. You know what we are talking about.” Jam responded, annoyed.

“How can I tell you something I don’t even know?”

Every word from him felt like swords stabbing me right into my core. How could you flat out lie in front of us? And with a straight face, at that?

Do you tell us lies because they sound better?

Was it really that hard to tell us?

Do you want to protect her so much that you can actually lie to us, just so she can be spared from being ridiculed by my friends like how everyone expects it to be?

“You know what, it would really be okay with me, I just want you to be honest with us.” Jam tried again.

But to no avail, “I have nothing to tell you.”

“There’s something going on between Ayeon and you, right?”

“Ew, no.” Brian responded almost immediately that it looked so obvious to me. He was being so defensive that his defense actually gave him away.

“You like her, admit it.” Jam provoked him again.

“I don’t. You know that it’s still Sana.”

How dare you, Brian? How dare you use Sana’s name here?

That night, I opened his account again. And as expected, the conversation I have read that morning has already been deleted. I knew that he noticed something earlier when I have read,

_**Brian: I’ll be changing my password now.** _

He must have suspected that I actually opened it and read something.

My heart hurts. It was when realization dawned on me.

I am still freaking in love with him.

Why does it have to be him?

Do I need a second part of the face-slapping truth I’ve had 2 years ago? Haven’t I learned anything? Damn, my heart! Of all people you’ll beat for, why does it have to be him?

A week passed, and I grew distant.

I knew that things will never be the same again, especially when one day, he said.

_“It’s true. I love her. I’m sorry.”_

God, why does it have to be this painful?

I don’t understand. Please make me understand. Brian… Why her?

Was it because you don’t see Sana anymore that you’ve learned to pay attention to another girl?

We’ve been together for 2 long years! During those 2 years, why did you not love me back? And even now that Sana is out of the picture, I was still here! I could’ve been your choice! I’d gladly return your feelings, if only you asked me to! I’ve been so possessive of you, because it’s still you. I still love you. I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. I was always here, but you never saw me. I have always been in the picture, but you chose you be with someone new. I was here. I was always here. You just never noticed.

I thought you’d finally see me, but no, it just had to be Ayeon.

How could you like a girl like Ayeon? Someone as pretentious as she is? Have you forgotten how she said she liked Jam’s crush, while actually trying to flirt with you. And I bet you didn’t even know, but before you started your thing, she was having a thing with another guy. How could you love someone as despicable as that?

Or was it me that was despicable?

We were not friends. We only know each other. But how could I say these hurtful things about her? Brian, what would your reaction be when you hear these from me? Would you get mad because I was badmouthing the girl you love?

The thought pierced my heart. The thought of you actually choosing Ayeon over me had my tears lulling me to sleep at night, then waking up with wet cheeks in the morning.

I know, things will never be the same again. And that’s what pains me the most. The fact that I’ll never get close to you again, and I could only watch you be close with someone else.

I still remember the days I felt like you were actually mine. How your hand felt like while intertwined with mine. How it felt when I jokingly hug you. When you made me feel like you actually felt the same way as I did.

I still remember vividly, how you stood under the golden light of summer. How ethereal you looked like. And how I actually wished you were mine. But these will remain only as a memory. I know where I should stand. And that is not beside you. I should distance myself from you even if it would feel like I am taking my own life.

All these years, my heart beat just for you. I don’t know until when, but I hope soon, I’ll find someone else. I hope soon, I’ll learn to love someone else. I hope soon, someone will love me the way I wanted you to be in love with me.

**\----------**

 

Our eyes met. My lips quivered. I felt my extremities tremble, but I could not tear my gaze off him. And suddenly, it felt as if we were back to college.

Because I still feel the pang of regret I used to feel before.

The pain I kept to myself because I had no right to feel it.

The remorse I’ve long denied.

And after a very long time, I managed to etch a genuine smile. I felt tears welling in my eyes. My heart felt heavy. It still stings. But nevertheless, I am happy.

I am really happy to see him.

 _“Goodbye,”_ I finally said it.

His mouth opened in awe, as if wanting to say something. But then he closed it and nodded his head. Slowly, I turned around and started walking away.

This is where I am expanding our horizons. We can never tell when we’ll meet again, or if we actually would, and I know that it would actually still take time for me to heal. But I am starting to, because now, I have accepted that she is where he belongs to. She is where he’ll be happier with.

He wasn’t the one that got away.

The grief is the same. The intensity is the same. The pain is similar. But he’s not.

He wasn’t the one that got away.

_He was the one I never had._

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a true story. haha.


End file.
